Sometimes when I stop dating someone I truly care about my first waking thought will be of them for a period of time. I think it's because part of my brain is slow on the uptake. My conscious part of the brain is fully aware that I won't be seeing that person anymore or nearly as often but my subconscious is used to a regular interaction with said person. When the addiction of that person's company isn't fed the sub brain tries to remind me to see them by pushing thoughts of them to the forfront of my head, and what better time to do that then when I'm waking up and all my defenses are down? So clever except for the fact that, hello brain, we're all on the same side, you know? No need to be so sneaky. I bring this up because of my morning. We'll start with last night.
Last night I dreamt. In the dream I was with my high school bunch of friends. Jodi, Amrita, Dave Rapperport, Megan and a handful of others. We're were on our way to a nice dinner that was going to be paid for by someone else. It was like we were on a team and we'd won a game or something, also reminiscent of film festival circuit stuff when people would take Arin and I out to eat. In the dream I felt drunk. The group kept getting split up usually due to me slowing down Jodi and Megan because I was being silly and laughing and taking wrong turns to the restaurant so we were the last ones to get there. The restaurant wasn't that nice on the inside, it was much like a school cafeteria actually but the food was supposed to be really good. My group of friends were spread all about the restaurant, not sitting all together. Jodi, Megan and I did a circuit around the restaurant to see where we wanted to sit. We ended up going back to the first table we'd seen upon entering where Amrita was sitting. The other people at her table were all somewhere else but we figured out what seats were still available and sat. As we sat down the rest of the people at the table materialized. Lady L was one of the people at the table and he was a few seats down from me. Everyone had been eating burgers and were all done eating. A veggie burger for me and burgers for Jodi and Megan were inexplicably ordered. My veggie burger came with guacamole which was perplexing because while I like guacamole I hadn't been imagining my veggie burger with it. With the arrival of the food a chinese fire drill ensued and everyone changed seats except me. Jodi took Lady L's seat and he was forced to sit across from me. Again I felt intoxicated in the dream and I started eating with drunken zeal. I started hearing weird hilarious eating noises that were very animalistic, like grunting, growling, loud chomping etc. I thought Jodi was making the noises as a joke and I started giggling uncontrollably. I looked over at Megan next to me on my right and saw she wasn't noticing the noises or laughing, then it was like I was the only person hearing the noises and Jodi wasn't making them but I was still unable to contain my laughter and I was getting food all over my face. I was aware of making a spectacle of myself in front of Lady L but I couldn't bring myself to look at him to see his reaction. The giddiness of my laughter woke me up and upon waking I felt that fun, hysterical bubbliness that comes with laughing fits but the dream transitioned immediately into a real memory.
The memory: A week or so ago Lady L invited me over for brunch. I rode to his house on my bike. It was after it had been decided that we were theoretically 'just friends'. I sat at the only chair he has in his kitchen at the table. He stood at his stove doing various cooking things. I was feeling very vulnerable, like a 7 year old kid that is holding in tears but then someone is compassionate towards them and it makes it worse because it softens them up just enough for the tears to unleash then they cry and feel babyish. So I'm sitting there feeling very small and resentful that I'm there as his lame friend instead of as his highly desirable love interest. Lady L serves me food, doesn't let me get up, retrieves for me a fork, a napkin and a glass of something to drink. His kindness is killing me and I hate that I want to be there so badly but can't enjoy it. Then he resumes cooking for himself. I'm relieved that his back is to me because it takes every ounce of my concentration to force down the delicious food he's prepared while choking back tears.
So there's a symmetry to the dream and the waking memory. Dream equals uncontrollable laugher and Lady L facing me and the Real Life Memory equals Lady's L back to me and holding in tears. Maybe the dream was trying to balance out the experience of the R.L.M. or maybe everything in dreams are inverted and those two experiences are one in the same.
