The Sadness

Drawing and Design Inspirato

2010-07-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

How I spent my spring.

2009-06-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

How it will end. from susanbuice on Vimeo.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy from susanbuice on Vimeo.

My short film with Josh Steinbauer "Smother"

2008-04-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

Day 6

2008-01-30T12:51:00.000-08:00

6th day of sugar/ alcohol ban. It's still going. To be totally honest on Sunday night and Monday night I had one bite of dessert. Sunday night it was some sort of pear mousse cake. On Monday it was a bite of a donut from the Farmer's Market. I wanted to taste each thing but I had no more than a bite of each. Avoiding alcohol hasn't been a problem. On Saturday my friend Meghan had a party. I had a blast dancing and cavorting with Megan, Jodi and Heather. At several points I forgot I hadn't been drinking and actually felt quiet drunk. At one point I even thought "I better start drinking water or I'll get a hangover." My face even got really red and flushed like it does when I've been drinking. Though all the dancing I was doing could explain that too.The only times I became painfully aware of my sobriety were when I was trying to make small talk, that felt very awkward, with the random party people that I was meeting for the first time. I wasn't able to stay liquid enough to have a freewheeling conversation about whatever, which is something I seem to be able to do after a couple drinks.

One thing I'm noticing though is that I don't have a lot of energy for socializing. Up until now I've been pretty outward energetically. I've had plans with people almost every night for weeks on end now. All of sudden I just can't do it. It's possible that sugar and alcohol were giving me that extra boost I needed to be consistently social. I have been actually quite moody feeling. Despite getting enough rest at night I've been sort of exhausted and overwhelmed. All day Tuesday I stayed in my room with the lights out and my heater going, napping on and off and completely flaking on going to Arin's to work. I left the apartment at 6 PM to do some errands and to go to yoga then went home early and went back to bed at about 2 AM forgoing a macro-biotic potluck and a fondue party with Lindsay (one of favorite people) because I didn't want to be in a crowd. Everything has been either irritating me or hurting my feelings. Little things like my love interest teasing me in a way that I usually find funny, making me feel shitty. It's been weird especially with him because when we hang out I'll feel super lovey dovey towards him then I'll suddenly feel hurt by something that I can't even pinpoint and I'll start to feel the need to protect myself which leads to me behaving in a half crabby half withdrawn manner. I even visualize nailing together pieces of ply wood around my heart, a half-assed fort. I alternate between wanting to avoid him and needing to be around him to reassure myself that we're okay.

This heightened sensitivity has come out in other ways too. When I was in Manhattan yesterday I was crossing the street staring a girl in a small group of NYU-ish hipsters down, checking out her boots and jeans. When I had gotten to their side of the street I slipped because the heels of my boots are wearing away (one of the reasons I had be so intent upon the girl's boots), and fell to my knees in front of the young hipsters. One of her friends swooped down to catch me and said " Oh my god, are you okay?" I grabbed his hand to stand up and I mumbled "Thank you so much for being there for me." It meant a lot to me, much more to me than the situation called for. He said "It's alright angel, I got your back." His companions were watching this whole thing with cold detachment. It made my gratitude towards him that much more intense. It was such a perfect thing for him to call me 'angel'. It made me feel so much better. It's almost like that moment of being taken care of somehow also took care of other more personal hurts that I had been carrying around. I had been on my way to yoga and was early to the class. Across from the yoga place was a shoe store. I found a pair of flat every day boots on sale to replace the ones I had slipped in. They had been causing me some problems for a few weeks now. Slipping in the street in front of those kids externalized how excessively vulnerable I had been feeling. I felt like I needed to take decisive action against it happening again though I had been really moved by the experience in a positive way overall. Another interesting moment was getting off the train at Morgan ave. I was going through the turn style a little slow, my feet dragging, again I partially blame the boots! The girl behind me pushed the turn style thing and hit my foot which caused me to look back. Before I could even feel annoyed she said "Sorry" looking in my face with such sincerity that I felt overcome with a tremendous love for humanity, which lasted for several moments. I'm not sure if these extreme, absurd even, emotional reactions are sugar related or PMS. Will see.

Sugar ban/ Alcohol ban-day 2

2008-01-26T06:56:00.000-08:00

So here goes day 2 of my sugar/ alcohol abstinence. The idea is to consume neither for a month. On the sugar side of it I can still consume fruit but no added sweeteners of any kind including maple syrup, agave, brown rice syrup or any other some such sweetener. Yesterday was the first day. It went off okay, I had sugar cravings of course but not much temptation being that I'm in boston hanging out with my parents and I stayed in all night. Tonight will be more challenging. I'm going to an old friend's party and of course there will be alcoholic social lubricants. Its always awkward not drinking at first at parties, unless there's dancing. It'll be interesting to see how this ban will effect me physically, mentally and socially if at all. Hopefully I'll be able to see it through. I supposed it'll be a test of my will. I've never been too impressed with my will. Perhaps the profound feeling of accomplishment that I'll feel at the end of each day will be enough to dissuade me from cheating. HA! Or maybe just writing about it here will give me enough of a sense of accountability to stick to it. Will see.

Hospital Doors

2007-11-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

My father has been in the hospital recovering from two brain surgeries after a sudden brain aneurysm 15 days ago. There's this mechanical rotating door to one of the hospital's facilities that I've had to use every day in visiting him. The trick with the door is that you're not supposed to touch it. It is still until it senses someone in it's chamber, you are then supposed to walk slowly forward and it will rotate automatically. However, you have to walk at the perfect pace, relatively slow (but not too slow!) and if you foul this up the rotating will stop and you're stuck there. People tend to freak out when this happens. The door admonishes you not to touch it. You have to back up a few paces and begin to take slow steady steps forward to get it going again. I am typically a fast walker and as a result I've been momentarily trapped in the door several times but I've finally perfected the appropriate gait. It requires loads and loads of sarcasm. I keep my paces slow by cocking my head to the side, slinging one hip out and kicking my legs out in extra long strides while letting my feet hit the floor heavily and rolling through each step with a sneering cowboy swagger. I shoot my eyeballs skyward and exhale in exasperation. Most of the time I let my arms dangle heavily at my sides like weights from the depths of hell are pulling them down. To spice things up every so often I'll throw my arms up in the air beseechingly. The mechanical door is of course unaffected by the burn of my sarcasm. It's a pity. My dad has been moved to a rehabilitation facility today where the doors are sliding. I am quite relieved at his transfer. Despite my father's frustration and disappointment around this sudden shift in his otherwise perfect health he's doing remarkably well.

The Beginning of Something.

2007-11-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

I've always identified more with cats but. . . . .

2007-11-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

Connect Four

2007-10-31T14:28:00.000-07:00

Elephant and I sit across from one another at a game of connect four. We're 11 pieces into the game. Giraffe and Zebra come over from their pinball game and sit at the table.

Giraffe glances at the connect four and says to me, "You've already lost."

His statement is accurate on so many levels. I look despondently at the game. I'm numb and no longer feel like playing. Giraffe motions to an empty slot and says, "play here."

"Shhh, let her play," Elephant admonishes, "I'll play you next."

Zebra, Giraffe and Elephant all stare at the connect 4 waiting for my move. I look at the esoteric disks in their little slots and try to make sense of it all. Giant waves of discomfort flood all the real estate in my brain and spill out onto the table. They're still waiting.

"Now I just want this game to be over," says Elephant. I silently concur. "Can we talk strategy here for a second?"

"Sure," I shrug.

"Okay. Giraffe said to play there because if you play here or here then my next move will win the game. But even if you play there I'll put my next piece here and you'll be forced to block me here or here but one of the spots will be left open and I'll still win."

"Right." I say dumbly. "So the game is over."

"Essentially."

I turn the game towards Giraffe. Elephant and Giraffe release the pieces from their prisons and start a new game.

Yesturday's Account

2007-10-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

10:10: Woke up to the sound of my alarm saying "Hey! Pick me up!" over and over. I hit snooze several times. Didn't actually get up until Arin called me around 11:15 saying to come over ASAP so we could get started working on stuff.

Showered, didn't wash my hair, dressed, ate the last of the cookies I'd made the day before last and headed to Arin's on my bike.

Arrived at Arin's. He and Michael were working on compressing videos of the talks in London for the web. I prepared lunch which consisted of brown rice, tofu-mushroom scramble and steamed kale.

Sent out some business-y emails and checked all my social networking sites. Got on meebo.com and started a few conversations. Saw N.S. on line and was getting very interested in what was going on his life. Also talked to N.K. on google chat and decided to send him $100 via paypal because he's living in his car and is totally broke. Had to get offline because I needed to start select reeling some footage and had to cut my conversation with N.S. short which I felt bad about.

Select reeled some stuff, then looked at our finances, then waited for Arin to start going through some new footage that we needed to look through together. Once he was ready we watched the footage, laughed at it and took notes. Brainstormed for awhile about how we would intercut the footage of my interview saying hilarious but sad and prophetic things about our relationship in with the footage of Arin confronting me about my email romance with the boy I kissed at Slamdance. We got a lot closer to the edit we need to finish for Friday.

8-ish Arin started to get ready to meet a friend of his for dinner and I headed to my place. I felt giddy and wanted to be social so I sent Jason a text to see if he and his friend Kelly, who just arrived from L.A., were doing anything fun. Didn't hear back. Saw Mims online. Asked Mims if he wanted to get dinner. He agreed and was talking to Kelly so it was arranged that Jason, Kelly, Mims and I would eat Sushi.

I arrived at the restaurant first thinking I was running late but really Mims was waiting for me at his place. I called him, realized I should've stopped by apt before coming to the restaurant. He said he'd be on his way. I wondered down to a second hand store. The items were all expensive. Wondered out after browsing for a few minutes and went back to wait outside the restaurant. Kelly and Jason then arrived. I called out to Kelly. Jason and Kelly came over to me, hugs all around. I was so excited to see them that my voice shook when I spoke. Mims arrived last, we all bantered a bit then went inside.

Inside the restaurant I lost my tongue and listened attentively to their conversations. Over the course of the meal I began to lose track of what they were saying and got distracted by my own thoughts. I attempted to steer my mind back to the people at the table that I'd chosen to spend time with. At a certain point Mims told me he'd been thinking about things he wanted to say to each of his friends and said when he came to me he thought he should tell me that it was time for me to move on to my next project. My face got hot, it turned bright red. I mumbled something like "thanks for the news flash, you're like totally the first person to say that' and felt like crying. I put my forehead on the table for a second and everyone was like 'awww' and then the conversation moved on. The check came we paid. I wondered what was next. Part of me said it was time to go home, that I was getting too sad to keep hanging out but another part of me didn't want to miss out and hoped that I'd be able to get back on track. Jason suggested a bar, I complained about said bar. Jason asked for another suggestion, I had none. We headed to said bar but ended up stopping at the Levee. Jason and I played connect four. He won all the games. I felt like he was becoming disappointed in what this revealed about my intelligence or he seemed worried that I would feel bad about losing. I wanted to tell him that I know I'm not that smart or atleast I know he's smarter than me and not to worry about it but it seemed like saying that would only make things worse. Jason, Mims, and Kelly then all played connect 4 with each other. I felt I should leave but still refused to do so. The games all stopped and no one spoke for a bit. I felt awkward so I started to complain about the music. My complaining annoyed Mims. No one likes a Debbie Downer. We decided to leave the bar. Outside we all stood around, Kelly and Mims talked more to each other and Jason and I talked more to each other, at times all of us bantered. Jason teased me about someting and batted my face back and forth between his hands. I giggled uncontrollably. My hand reflexively went to his waist. He backed away. My arm dropped. We all waited for something to happen or for something to get decided. Nothing happened. Kelly and Jason decided to grab a car back to Greenpoint. We said our goodbyes. Jason hugged my tightly with an ironic chuckle. I joked about him choking me. He said 'you know you like it'. I stared at the ground and said nothing. We parted ways. On the ride back I reviewed the evening. I saw that I should have left earlier and that the others probably would have had more fun if I had left sooner. I wondered again 'what's wrong with me?' and started to cry. I arrived home locked up my bike, stopped crying long enough to wash my face and brush my teeth and then cried myself to sleep.

Serious Change

2007-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

I've been running with a crowd of people that lead shallow existences. They are not shallow people but because of their cooperate jobs and what not they tend to keep their social interactions on a shallow level. They probably do this because if they thought too deeply about things they would have to stop what they're doing immediately and completely restructure their lives. I know they all have the intelligence, depth and talent to break free from what they're doing and lead utterly unique, fulfilling, creative, interesting and positive lives and maybe someday they will. I think I've been overexposed to their current form of living though, in fact I've been utterly immersed in their way of living. It's making me sick in spirit. I can no longer participate. I don't want to lose the connections I have with them, don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. I'm going to make a list of things I can do with people that will prevent me from getting sucked into a world that is making me exhausted, ill and sad. I cannot spend any more time in bars for the time being. If anyone has cool things to add to this list please do. The more ideas the better. I'm seeking anything that would facilitate creativity, inspiration, good times, hilarity, serious debate or discussion and connection. Things don't have to be deep all the time but I can no longer participate in activity that's designed to keep things from going deep. I'm looking for risks.

Walks
Bike Rides
Exploring
Drawing
Talking
Cooking
Good Movies
Listening to Music
Hanging out in people's homes
Tea
Photo Shoots!
Massages
Yoga
Staring contests
Dancing
Trips places

Ms. Pacman: the game of life.

2007-10-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am Ms. Pacman. The ghosts are the infernal sadness that continually chases me around. The magic pellets are brief temporary reprieves from the sadness usually in the form of good times with friends, the occasional romance, or some such other distraction. How do I get out of this game?

The 6 year old living inside my chest is stamping her feet impatiently.

2007-10-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

And this is what she's saying:
"Don't look at me, don't talk to me, definitely don't contact me via a digital or non-digital medium and don't think about me. Ever. Your thoughts go into the cosmos and effect my thoughts so stop it. You're causing me to become distracted: I've stubbed my toe, fallen of my bike for no apparent reason while dismounting, and clipped the side view mirror of a car while riding and fallen off my bike in traffic. I can't handle not having you on my terms. You drew a line in the sand and even though you still share your time with me it's not enough. I wish I could get you to like me more but since I can't I hid your passport under a pile of your folded shirts, I hid your condoms in your magazine rack and I stole $3 worth of quarters from your coin bucket. Fuck you, I'm gonna go do my laundry."

Horribly Vain

2007-10-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot about what's wrong with me lately. Even though I do turn those thoughts inward towards personality things it always ends up becoming a very physical critique too. I'm not sure if that's just typical unhealthy vanity or if I can't personally separate my metaphysical from my physical. Anyways it lead me to the most hilariously pathetic art project I've ever created. As seen above I decided to rate the individual features of my face on a scale of 1 to 10 so I could then discern the average and find out my rating. I came out a 5.3, very average, not at all ideal for my ego. I've decided to quit taking the pill mainly because I think it makes my face puffy and makes me sweat when there's no reason to be sweating. Quitting the pill will increase my scores on the cheeks and jaw line at the very least. My calculations indicate I can get myself up to 7.2, maybe a little higher. This will also be incentive to practice safe sex EVERY time, not that I plan to have sex at all. That's a 'just in case' type thing. Another strategy would be to just not care about my score but I'm a Leo living in New York City and trying to not care would be like challenging a vegan to a pork chop eating contest.

Procrastination and Pillows

2007-09-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

Some mornings it's just so hard to get my day on. For instance I've just been staring at my rack of clothes for a solid ten minutes like it's some unfathomable mystery. I know I'm going to bake macro vegan cookies today and the one ingredient I need to go purchase are bananas. To get bananas I might as well shower and get dressed. Hence this great mystery of what to wear. It's mind boggling. I've gone through about 10 outfits in my head trying to figure out what is going to be stylish and what will wear well on a bike ride to the city (because I plan on going to a movie later in the city) being that my choice of shoes does affect how the ride will be. Curses! I know this indecision is just a way for me to procrastinate the start of my day because I fear the inevitable sadness that will hit me at some point crippling me with anywhere from a moment to several moments of despair. Baby steps. I'll start with a shower. Then I'll promise myself a coffee if I leave the apartment, a promise that will most likely never be fulfilled because I haven't been drinking much coffee since I started this macrobiotic foods thing. The thought of coffee is still very inspiring but whenever I go to actually acquire it I usually spring for a kombucha instead. In any case, I should be able to handle a shower. Well maybe I'll read for just a little while first.

What a bunch of bullshit.

2007-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

His profile seems totally fake too. His interests are listed as "dating" and "marriage".

Seriously what the fuck is the point of this chicanery?

Asleep----------------Awake

2007-09-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I stop dating someone I truly care about my first waking thought will be of them for a period of time. I think it's because part of my brain is slow on the uptake. My conscious part of the brain is fully aware that I won't be seeing that person anymore or nearly as often but my subconscious is used to a regular interaction with said person. When the addiction of that person's company isn't fed the sub brain tries to remind me to see them by pushing thoughts of them to the forfront of my head, and what better time to do that then when I'm waking up and all my defenses are down? So clever except for the fact that, hello brain, we're all on the same side, you know? No need to be so sneaky. I bring this up because of my morning. We'll start with last night.

Last night I dreamt. In the dream I was with my high school bunch of friends. Jodi, Amrita, Dave Rapperport, Megan and a handful of others. We're were on our way to a nice dinner that was going to be paid for by someone else. It was like we were on a team and we'd won a game or something, also reminiscent of film festival circuit stuff when people would take Arin and I out to eat. In the dream I felt drunk. The group kept getting split up usually due to me slowing down Jodi and Megan because I was being silly and laughing and taking wrong turns to the restaurant so we were the last ones to get there. The restaurant wasn't that nice on the inside, it was much like a school cafeteria actually but the food was supposed to be really good. My group of friends were spread all about the restaurant, not sitting all together. Jodi, Megan and I did a circuit around the restaurant to see where we wanted to sit. We ended up going back to the first table we'd seen upon entering where Amrita was sitting. The other people at her table were all somewhere else but we figured out what seats were still available and sat. As we sat down the rest of the people at the table materialized. Lady L was one of the people at the table and he was a few seats down from me. Everyone had been eating burgers and were all done eating. A veggie burger for me and burgers for Jodi and Megan were inexplicably ordered. My veggie burger came with guacamole which was perplexing because while I like guacamole I hadn't been imagining my veggie burger with it. With the arrival of the food a chinese fire drill ensued and everyone changed seats except me. Jodi took Lady L's seat and he was forced to sit across from me. Again I felt intoxicated in the dream and I started eating with drunken zeal. I started hearing weird hilarious eating noises that were very animalistic, like grunting, growling, loud chomping etc. I thought Jodi was making the noises as a joke and I started giggling uncontrollably. I looked over at Megan next to me on my right and saw she wasn't noticing the noises or laughing, then it was like I was the only person hearing the noises and Jodi wasn't making them but I was still unable to contain my laughter and I was getting food all over my face. I was aware of making a spectacle of myself in front of Lady L but I couldn't bring myself to look at him to see his reaction. The giddiness of my laughter woke me up and upon waking I felt that fun, hysterical bubbliness that comes with laughing fits but the dream transitioned immediately into a real memory.

The memory: A week or so ago Lady L invited me over for brunch. I rode to his house on my bike. It was after it had been decided that we were theoretically 'just friends'. I sat at the only chair he has in his kitchen at the table. He stood at his stove doing various cooking things. I was feeling very vulnerable, like a 7 year old kid that is holding in tears but then someone is compassionate towards them and it makes it worse because it softens them up just enough for the tears to unleash then they cry and feel babyish. So I'm sitting there feeling very small and resentful that I'm there as his lame friend instead of as his highly desirable love interest. Lady L serves me food, doesn't let me get up, retrieves for me a fork, a napkin and a glass of something to drink. His kindness is killing me and I hate that I want to be there so badly but can't enjoy it. Then he resumes cooking for himself. I'm relieved that his back is to me because it takes every ounce of my concentration to force down the delicious food he's prepared while choking back tears.

So there's a symmetry to the dream and the waking memory. Dream equals uncontrollable laugher and Lady L facing me and the Real Life Memory equals Lady's L back to me and holding in tears. Maybe the dream was trying to balance out the experience of the R.L.M. or maybe everything in dreams are inverted and those two experiences are one in the same.

Peace and Quiet

2007-09-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm at odds with myself. I am at a point where I am emotionally un-entangled with any sort of romance. It's a state that I would like to maintain. It feels pretty relaxing. Emotional peace and quiet. This conflicts with my desire for sexual intimacy. I've been given the advice to masturbate more and while that's fine for a standard release it's not what I'm craving. It's not the wham bam repeat steps one and two 'til orgasm that I miss. It's the contact. It's soft skin beneath my finger tips, lips meeting, my hand in their hair, their hand on my waist, the muttered words and sounds exchanged. The closeness of one human being to another and the physical dialogue of mutual desire. Now for me to truly enjoy this I have to like someone. Liking someone and having sex with them usually leads to really liking them and in some cases falling in love, then comes the emotional entanglement. I keep meeting people that have the problem of never liking anyone enough to fall in love. My problem is falling in love too easily. Why is this a bad thing? Well it's not on the surface it's just that the people to whom I'm drawn are not okay with being in love, especially with me. My falling in love with them causes the interaction to fall apart. Then I become abject. No fun. I like the way it feels to not be in love. I would like to remain in this current state of romantic independence. I just need the apathy to spread to my physical desire or I need to figure out how to keep the physical and the emotional separate if that's even possible.

Desirability

2007-09-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

There must be a point in every woman's life where her desirability seems to wane. I began to feel the burn of this transition as all of my guy friends seem to be foaming at the mouth for a sleeker, newer model of easy going blonde girl while simultaneously my love interests seem to be turning their attentions to other women who seem to fall into the same genre of female I seem to be in but I guess are somehow doing it better. I started to ease myself into this new era of spinsterhood but perhaps too soon! It seems there are still men out there who find me attractive.

Exhibit A: Thomas in Sweden

I received this message just earlier today. It's true his note is not extremely personal and seems more like a form letter than an expression of true desire and perhaps he's sent this very same note to several hundreds of women but I conjecture that while I might not be alone in receiving this salutation he must have had some criteria for whom he would send this message and I made the cut. That's what's important here: I made the cut. Next,

Exhibit B: Man in the street.
I was walking down to the coffee shop today and there was an older man of color pushing a cart very jolly in nature who looked right at me and said "Niiiiicccce baby!" and he seemed in his right mind. If that's not a ringing endorsement then I don't know what is. You may say "Did someone get this on tape, is there some documented snap shot of this moment?" and I would have to admit that there isn't, so yes it's my word against yours that this took place but what would I gain by fabricating this story?

Exhibit C: Now this is probably the least significant piece of evidence of my desirability because it doesn't really prove anything but perhaps one could infer some attraction here; As I was exiting the coffee shop a bearded gentleman held the door open for me. Maybe it's politeness maybe it's lust. You decide.

So the point here is not that my desirability is lost but that my demographic for who is attracted to me is changing . This doesn't do wonders for my sex life since the demographic for who I'm attracted isn't changing but I'm actually not concerned with my sex life. I just appreciate being appreciated. So "Yar!!!" to the men who still find me attractive. God love em'

My future.

2007-09-09T01:42:00.000-07:00

So my friend read my tarot cards today. To be totally honest I wasn't in my most coherent clear headed state of mind, if you know what I mean (wink wink), but what I gathered was that my immediate future will be unquestionably shitty. I will be anxious (about all kinds of things-money, creativity, future etc), extremely sad, angry, lonely and uhhhhhhhh (what was the last thing?) oh yeah out of control (sweet!!). The good news is that my affect on other people is fairly positive and their perception of me is that I am logical (neat!), wise (hahahahahaha!), fair (sure, whatever), emotionless (this is the one I'm most pleased with), and platonic (SUCKs! but I'll take it). My future beyond the immediate future was vaguely promising, something about mind over matter and coming out on top with courage and some other stuff. So life's going to suck for me but I'm going to behave reasonably until things pan out so everyone will think I'm doing alright during the interim. Far out.

Sick

2007-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

My heart is in critical condition. It should just give up and die. I'd have it replaced with a heart made of tin, plastic and leather that could still perform all the mechanical functions of pumping blood to and fro but it would cease to be the metaphysical creator and receiver of emotion . Once that was accomplished I could start looking for the metaphysical storage facilities of emotion on my physical person and clear those out with some well chosen yoga positions or maybe a diuretic of some sort (efficiency is what's important here). Cleansed and thinking clearly I would finally be able to get some work done. You might say "whoa, wait a second, work?! doesn't all your so called 'work' come from your 'heart' you emo hipster fag?" To which I'd say "Up until this point maybe BUT this new emotion free condition leaves me open to explore my fascination with bees or humming birds. Perhaps I could create work around the beauty of a raspberry or do investigative research about the evils of corn syrup or hell take up brain surgery or boxing for that matter." Seriously whatever. All I can say is that moments ago I ate a much too big bowl of Peanut Butter Puffins and now I feel like puking my brains onto the floor which is hard to do through the incessant stream of tears flowing from my eyes. I blame my critically unclaimed heart. Tick tick tick stop.

Macro Food is Making me sad

2007-09-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

Frown.