How I spent my spring.

How it will end. from susanbuice on Vimeo.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy from susanbuice on Vimeo.

My short film with Josh Steinbauer "Smother"

Day 6

6th day of sugar/ alcohol ban. It's still going. To be totally honest on Sunday night and Monday night I had one bite of dessert. Sunday night it was some sort of pear mousse cake. On Monday it was a bite of a donut from the Farmer's Market. I wanted to taste each thing but I had no more than a bite of each. Avoiding alcohol hasn't been a problem. On Saturday my friend Meghan had a party. I had a blast dancing and cavorting with Megan, Jodi and Heather. At several points I forgot I hadn't been drinking and actually felt quiet drunk. At one point I even thought "I better start drinking water or I'll get a hangover." My face even got really red and flushed like it does when I've been drinking. Though all the dancing I was doing could explain that too.The only times I became painfully aware of my sobriety were when I was trying to make small talk, that felt very awkward, with the random party people that I was meeting for the first time. I wasn't able to stay liquid enough to have a freewheeling conversation about whatever, which is something I seem to be able to do after a couple drinks.

One thing I'm noticing though is that I don't have a lot of energy for socializing. Up until now I've been pretty outward energetically. I've had plans with people almost every night for weeks on end now. All of sudden I just can't do it. It's possible that sugar and alcohol were giving me that extra boost I needed to be consistently social. I have been actually quite moody feeling. Despite getting enough rest at night I've been sort of exhausted and overwhelmed. All day Tuesday I stayed in my room with the lights out and my heater going, napping on and off and completely flaking on going to Arin's to work. I left the apartment at 6 PM to do some errands and to go to yoga then went home early and went back to bed at about 2 AM forgoing a macro-biotic potluck and a fondue party with Lindsay (one of favorite people) because I didn't want to be in a crowd. Everything has been either irritating me or hurting my feelings. Little things like my love interest teasing me in a way that I usually find funny, making me feel shitty. It's been weird especially with him because when we hang out I'll feel super lovey dovey towards him then I'll suddenly feel hurt by something that I can't even pinpoint and I'll start to feel the need to protect myself which leads to me behaving in a half crabby half withdrawn manner. I even visualize nailing together pieces of ply wood around my heart, a half-assed fort. I alternate between wanting to avoid him and needing to be around him to reassure myself that we're okay.

This heightened sensitivity has come out in other ways too. When I was in Manhattan yesterday I was crossing the street staring a girl in a small group of NYU-ish hipsters down, checking out her boots and jeans. When I had gotten to their side of the street I slipped because the heels of my boots are wearing away (one of the reasons I had be so intent upon the girl's boots), and fell to my knees in front of the young hipsters. One of her friends swooped down to catch me and said " Oh my god, are you okay?" I grabbed his hand to stand up and I mumbled "Thank you so much for being there for me." It meant a lot to me, much more to me than the situation called for. He said "It's alright angel, I got your back." His companions were watching this whole thing with cold detachment. It made my gratitude towards him that much more intense. It was such a perfect thing for him to call me 'angel'. It made me feel so much better. It's almost like that moment of being taken care of somehow also took care of other more personal hurts that I had been carrying around. I had been on my way to yoga and was early to the class. Across from the yoga place was a shoe store. I found a pair of flat every day boots on sale to replace the ones I had slipped in. They had been causing me some problems for a few weeks now. Slipping in the street in front of those kids externalized how excessively vulnerable I had been feeling. I felt like I needed to take decisive action against it happening again though I had been really moved by the experience in a positive way overall. Another interesting moment was getting off the train at Morgan ave. I was going through the turn style a little slow, my feet dragging, again I partially blame the boots! The girl behind me pushed the turn style thing and hit my foot which caused me to look back. Before I could even feel annoyed she said "Sorry" looking in my face with such sincerity that I felt overcome with a tremendous love for humanity, which lasted for several moments. I'm not sure if these extreme, absurd even, emotional reactions are sugar related or PMS. Will see.

Sugar ban/ Alcohol ban-day 2

So here goes day 2 of my sugar/ alcohol abstinence. The idea is to consume neither for a month. On the sugar side of it I can still consume fruit but no added sweeteners of any kind including maple syrup, agave, brown rice syrup or any other some such sweetener. Yesterday was the first day. It went off okay, I had sugar cravings of course but not much temptation being that I'm in boston hanging out with my parents and I stayed in all night. Tonight will be more challenging. I'm going to an old friend's party and of course there will be alcoholic social lubricants. Its always awkward not drinking at first at parties, unless there's dancing. It'll be interesting to see how this ban will effect me physically, mentally and socially if at all. Hopefully I'll be able to see it through. I supposed it'll be a test of my will. I've never been too impressed with my will. Perhaps the profound feeling of accomplishment that I'll feel at the end of each day will be enough to dissuade me from cheating. HA! Or maybe just writing about it here will give me enough of a sense of accountability to stick to it. Will see.

Hospital Doors

My father has been in the hospital recovering from two brain surgeries after a sudden brain aneurysm 15 days ago. There's this mechanical rotating door to one of the hospital's facilities that I've had to use every day in visiting him. The trick with the door is that you're not supposed to touch it. It is still until it senses someone in it's chamber, you are then supposed to walk slowly forward and it will rotate automatically. However, you have to walk at the perfect pace, relatively slow (but not too slow!) and if you foul this up the rotating will stop and you're stuck there. People tend to freak out when this happens. The door admonishes you not to touch it. You have to back up a few paces and begin to take slow steady steps forward to get it going again. I am typically a fast walker and as a result I've been momentarily trapped in the door several times but I've finally perfected the appropriate gait. It requires loads and loads of sarcasm. I keep my paces slow by cocking my head to the side, slinging one hip out and kicking my legs out in extra long strides while letting my feet hit the floor heavily and rolling through each step with a sneering cowboy swagger. I shoot my eyeballs skyward and exhale in exasperation. Most of the time I let my arms dangle heavily at my sides like weights from the depths of hell are pulling them down. To spice things up every so often I'll throw my arms up in the air beseechingly. The mechanical door is of course unaffected by the burn of my sarcasm. It's a pity. My dad has been moved to a rehabilitation facility today where the doors are sliding. I am quite relieved at his transfer. Despite my father's frustration and disappointment around this sudden shift in his otherwise perfect health he's doing remarkably well.

The Beginning of Something.

I've always identified more with cats but. . . . .